I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
