i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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