any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
