Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
