isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
