He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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