i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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