I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
ok first of all what the fuck
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
