DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
