I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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