so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
