life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
