I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
