you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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