i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
