Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
