I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
