can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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