Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
