Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
