They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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