Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
