i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
