I am puke
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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