Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
