I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
