Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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