I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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