Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
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