mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
