If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
did i walk over a car last night?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
