She is in my trunk
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
