I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
