Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
