I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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