I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
