you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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