Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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