How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
