Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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