Don't you send me to vm
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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