it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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