Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
we're making bets on your personal life
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
