some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
