tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
