I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
