If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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