I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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