I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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