that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
