capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
