I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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